I’ve been trying to write this post for several days but I can’t seem to find the right words. I am not able to describe the excitement and intense fear that I feel. I still can’t grasp what happened this past Monday. I was only 9 dpo and simply couldn’t control the urge to test. I’m sure we’ve all been there?!
Though I usually try to resist (and often fail) until at least 11 dpo, the urge to test won. The lack of expectation, however, ensured that I didn’t even stick around to see the result until much later in the day. I think my heart missed several beats at the mere thought of seeing a faint line. I’m used to the test being so negative, you can’t even try to make a line appear by squinting. I took this test to every window in the house to check if I wasn’t crazy. Was there a line??
There it was, it was faint, very faint, extremely faint, but it was there. Two days later I followed up with a digital Clearblue test and there truly is something extra special about being able to read “Pregnant”.
My heart jumped up and down from excitement, but my mind immediately went back in time. This felt too familiar, I don’t feel pregnant, there is no nausea, I have no super sore breasts, there are no food aversions, no heightened sense of smell, no fatigue, no nothing. Perhaps that’s normal for 3 weeks and 6 days? I don’t know, I can only compare it to my previous pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks and 1 day, and it’s too eerily similar. Each little cramp puts me on high alert, each toilet visit is followed by a thorough screening of the toilet paper… In short, I’ve turned into a happy but very scared and crazy lady. The UK health care system isn’t doing anything to ease my mind either, to my disdain I’ve learned that they don’t do any Beta hCG testing, no scan, no nothing until 8-10 weeks.
All I have is hope and my daily one step pregnancy test, which I’m holding on to like a bee on sweet jam, monitoring the color of the line and praying each morning that it will get darker. Please let this be my little miracle.