I’m not new to this. I know what it feels like to get a negative pregnancy test, or the BFN as most ladies start calling it after a while. Still, it gets to me. Each month I’m hopeful, convinced even, that this will be the month the elusive BFP will appear. There are two whole weeks building up to this one moment, where at the crack of dawn I find myself in the bathroom praying for that extra line, regardless of whether it’s a + or a ||.
That one missing line used to make me feel like my world came crashing down on me. It would take days, if not weeks to recover. Creating a little miracle can be a draining affair, draining on your relationship, draining on your emotional health, draining on your life. As months passed, I was becoming more and more unhappy and ready to give up. There was only one solution; to find ways to stay positive, and get through the emotional uproar within myself.
These are my ten ways of dealing with yet another negative pregnancy test:
- I will go out for dinner and have a glass of wine with my husband
I find it hard to stay connected with my hubster while dealing with all these hormones and emotions. At times, he really bears the brunt of my anger and fears. After all the craziness, he deserves (and so do I) to get some quality fun time together. We are both foodies and spoil ourselves with a nice dinner out and a bottle of wine. Nice conversation is guaranteed, but there is one rule, no baby or baby making talk.
- I will allow myself a day to feel sad
Saying I don’t get sad at all anymore would be a lie. I do get sad, I do panic, and I allow myself to do so, but no more than a day. This includes the ugly cry and yelling, but no dwelling.
- I will try not to overanalyze or to be negative
The amount of times I have thought, I’m never going to get pregnant, I might as well give up, Why am I only half a woman, this chart must show I have this and this syndrome or illness.” are countless. In my head, I have every issue in the book and I often believe doctors just don’t diagnose me correctly. I do my best to let go of this negativity in my head (let it go… let it go…, my new theme song).
- I will go for a walk
De-stressing is key for me. I do a little dance at home, shout along with the music or I go for a little walk and somehow I always feel better.
- I will continue to believe
Hope is good and hope is bad. It’s hard to keep up the hope and hard to deal with the aftermath when the hope was just not enough, again. Or in the words of Samuel Johnson “Hope itself is a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords; but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain.” – But what do you have left when you stop believing? Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
- I will start a new project
By the time I have my very own little miracle, I will be a super photographer, excellent seamstress, expert scrap booker, star painter (well, in the eyes of my hubster). I simply need to keep myself busy or I will drive myself insane. I have done so many DIY projects by now, and to be honest, I love it. I love to create and I love to learn to create and it keeps me from obsessing.
- I will splurge on something I can’t do once pregnant
Starbucks here I come. I cut down my caffeine to almost zero when I’m in the two-week wait and allow myself one cup otherwise. When I get that negative test, I get myself a big nice cup of coffee and piece of cheese cake and that’s not where it stops. Steak anyone? Preferably medium rare, thank you very much.
- I will breathe in life
After a little while, my entire life revolved around pregnancy. I refused to go here or there, wasn’t making any future plans, just in case I was pregnant, I got angry if my hubster had more than 2 beers, imagine it impacting sperm quality! I was just living an extremely restrictive life and imposed the same restrictions on my hubster. I forgot to live in the moment and to enjoy life. There is so much living to be done, so many nice places to go, new things to explore. These days, you’ll find me scheduling weekends so we continue to have fun. I refuse for the struggle to define who I am.
- I will be okay with feeling jealous
Belly jealousy is not a green-eyed monster, it’s the reality of a woman struggling with conception. I’m allowed to be jealous of all pregnant bellies out there and I’m allowed to shed a tear when my best friends get pregnant and I don’t. That does not make me a bad person and if anyone thinks so, I frankly don’t care. I smile at you, I hug you and I say how happy I am for you and I mean it. Then in private, I have a little sad tantrum all by myself and I’m angry it’s not me and I mean that too and that’s okay. I will still get you the best present when you get your miracle.
- I won’t give up
I remind myself each month; something wonderful is about to happen.